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You don’t even know

But I wish you did

KL =)

The way I see it.. Part 1

1. If you spend too long holding on to the one who treats you like an option,
you will miss finding someone who treats you like a priority

Don’t hold on to the guys or girls out there, who only want you when they’re bored and have nothing to do. If you have to force happiness on yourself.. You’re not happy. Take me for example, I was in a relationship for almost a year.. That relationship should have ended long ago, but I liked the thought of having someone so close to me that I pushed aside the bad, and forced happiness upon myself.. We haven’t spoken in a couple weeks, or seen each other in a couple months. I find myself to be happier.. A load off of my shoulders. The way I see it, he didn’t want me, and he deceived me.. He tricked me into thinking he did. I was his option, and he was my priority. I have a hard time talking to people now. I’m afraid that every guy I meet, will be the exact same; treat me with such disrespect and control me… I haven’t found one to prove me wrong yet… I’m starting to believe they’re not out there. Maybe that’s just the Kaitlin who was controlled and manipulated talking.

2. And I guarantee, no one will ever try this hard for you, as me

The way I see it… You’re just clueless. And I’m afraid to tell you, because I already know your response.. But that’s alright

3. You can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts some people you love.

This describes a huge part of my life right now. I’ve seriously been considering moving out. Others tell me to stay, but I’m just not happy here. I can’t live my life going off by what people say. I have to learn and make mistakes.. My heart is telling me to leave. I am done with this place. I’m ready to try something new.

3. I may not be there yet, but I’m closer than I was yesterday.

Hey people…. Stop telling me I can’t do something.. I can and I will try.. Thanks! The way I see it.. No one will tell me that I can’t do a certain task. I will fail at my own expense or I’ll succeed and prove you wrong.

Bummed and Annoyed

People suck. Flat out suck. Maybe I’m too nice, too naive.. I give too many people opportunities to walk all over me. I can hide the pain I endure very well. About 95% of the time I fake a smile.. Make people believe I’m happy, but really I’m hurt inside. The smallest things bother me.. Especially when I do things for others, and they treat me like shit.

So many people tell me to not let people bother me, or get to me.. but that’s not who I am. EVERYTHING gets to me. Maybe this is why I can’t keep a relationship or friendship with anyone.

I do believe that for some reason karma has it out for me and the life I’m living right now is part of it’s evil game.. I honestly believe that the way people treat me is all my fault and I deserve it all.

Don’t feel sorry for me.. I don’t need apologies. But what I do want is too much to ask for. So for now, I’m fine holding everything in. I don’t need to bring people down because of my thoughts and feelings. I’m fine being unhappy and uncertain.. It’s a routine thing for me.

KL

Feeling the Blues

People make mistakes… A phrase a lot of people have heard over and over.. Well I am one, to make numerous mistakes. Recently, I’ve fucked up. Majorly. Why do I do horrible things to people I care about? I just grow to regret my decisions and it brings me into a state of depression that I can’t even describe. It’s my own fault, no one else’s. My pride takes over, and all hell breaks loose.. I don’t even stop to think about who might be affected by the decisions I made.. Until, those decisions come back to haunt me, and I lose my friends. This ladies and gentlemen is why I don’t have friends. Just a little 411… Don’t waste your time, I’m really not worth it. I’m selfish, I’m too hard on myself, I constantly live in a state of fear, I’m unhappy, I hurt and upset my peers, and I lie, only to protect myself.. (And this is where you say, SHE’S A KEEPER, in the most sarcastic tone ever).. I do believe I’m an honest person more often than not.. And I am working towards proving that.

Dear …

I lost your trust.. Forever I only assume. Which is okay, well not really, because it shouldn’t have been like that. I have always been honest with you about EVERYTHING.. and then one little slip up, my personal mistake, cost our friendship.. I don’t expect you to forgive me, trust me, befriend me, by any means, and I won’t waste your time seeking for acceptance, or forgiveness.. You shouldn’t, and you won’t. You’ve made that very clear. I’m upset at myself.. getting caught in the act, upsetting you.. The whole nine yards.. I put this all on myself, and you have every right to hate me. I don’t even know why what happened, happened.. Maybe, because it was a spur of the moment deal, not planned.. We don’t even like each other needless to say. But that’s beside the point. I know you don’t have faith in me.. And I apologize for the way things ended up. I won’t ask you to trust me, but I think you should. I panicked, got lost in my own ego.. I don’t know why… And it really fucking sucks, but you should and can trust me. As you shake your head, the only way to prove that to you is to show you. I care entirely too much for you, and as you ramble on the thoughts in your head and disagree with my statement, you should know it’s 150% true. I do care for you. I like you, and yes, only you.. I just want to see you happy, and I’ll work harder than anything I’ve ever worked for to gain your trust back. I know you don’t believe me, and I don’t know why you still talk to me. I appreciate that you do though! I could certainly use a second chance. Or a fresh start..

KL

Making Discoveries

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“It is possible to believe that all the past is but the beginning of a beginning, and that all that is and has been is but the twilight of the dawn. It is possible to believe that all human mind has ever accomplished is but the dream before the awakening”.

Today’s journey begins with new discoveries, as does tomorrow, and the next day, and the rest of my life. I’ve heard a lot of wise thoughts in my time, one in particular being “the further you go, the more you have to be proud of. At the same time, in order to have come a long way, you have to be behind to begin with, in the end maybe it’s not how you reach a place that matters, just that you go there at all”. I particularly think that this means, that everyone has been through a series of hardships, but it’s the successes and happiness that one should be proud of. More so, be proud of who you are. As an individual you are not perfect, I am not perfect, but the places I’ve been and the places I go are apart of who I am or have become. “It’s not how you reach the place that matters, just that you go there at all". Don’t take life for granted. It’s the only thing you have that’s keeping you alive.

I am a writer, a dancer, a beautiful soul. I tell my life story through the mere images of dance, portraits, or the smile or sorrow on my face. One cannot talk, without telling a story, one cannot dance without sharing a memory. I am a person of art. I think expression through an art is the best form of emotion out there. You can tell an awfully lot about a person through expression. What can you tell about me?

I’ve discovered happiness. Real happiness. In the smallest ways.

I’m still discovering myself, but I have discovered that I’d rather live my life to the absolute fullest rather than conduct myself in a certain way to gain approval from others. I have no regrets and especially no apologies. Every day is a new discovery for me, a new memory. Something to live for, something to strive for. I don’t know where I’m going, or where I’ll end up, but I can’t wait to get there.

Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations .. And I have not a single doubt about it

KL =)

 

School’s in Session

So school started this week.. I feel like it’s going to be a great year. New people, small classes, fun adventures await.. I’m super excited! I have to really be devoted to this semester however, and catch up with the credit hours I should have.. Taking back to back sociology classes and two online classes. 15 credit hours this semester.. Aye aye aye!! I’m shooting to graduate in 3 semesters.. Hoping to transfer to a university after receiving my associates. I haven’t quite figured out my plans yet though. Do I want to stay in states, go out of town, stay at a community college for another year and get more credits? Decisions, decisions… But I’ll keep you posted!!

Regards,

KL =)

Enjoy The Small Things

The small things are the greatest wonders in the world. They create the best memories, and should be cherished throughout ones life. My philosophy in life, is to stop worrying about the big things, and enjoy the magic of all things small. It is the days that define your life. Take pictures, turn an unlucky penny into a lucky one, give a dollar to a charity, sit by a waterfall and ponder about all things healthy in your life. Rid any bad, and I promise you it makes for a better person in each and every one of us.

So how does one go about enjoying life? Start with the small..

1. Appreciate Beauty – Beauty comes to us in all different shapes and forms. We’ve all become so accustomed to what beauty is to each eye, but we don’t sit back and really think about what beauty is. People, plants, buildings, cars, streets.. It doesn’t matter how nice or how poor one object may look, that person, plant or building is beautiful in its own life form. Too often we take beauty for granted and don’t see the real “beauty” behind the walls. Everything on this planet was put here for a reason.. We all (human or non human) have a purpose here. It’s really a beautiful thing if you think about it. So next time you come across a gravel road with one flower sticking up… take a moment to appreciate that flower and the gravel road.

2. Connect with Nature – It’s amazing what nature can do for one’s body, mind and soul. Nature is really an escape.. Quiet, breathtaking, beautiful.. My “safe haven” or escape is a tucked away “island”.. Picnic tables lay under a canopy surrounded by a man made lake and waterfalls.. I sit down next to the water and breathe everything in. The fish dance in the water, and it’s pitch black out, seeing nothing but the moon and few stars above. It’s rather peaceful, and keeps me sane. Not too many people know about this place, and few have ever tagged along.. It will always remain my safe haven.. Enjoy the little things. Trust me.

3. Laugh – Never be too busy to laugh, or too serious to smile. Instead, surround yourself with fun people and don’t get caught up in your own sense of importance. Always remember to laugh.

4. Connect with People – It is our relationship with people that really give us the full benefit of happiness in life. Enjoy the people around you. Put a smile on your face, and brighten not only your day, but someone else’s as well.

5. Learn – Take the time to appreciate what you know, and stimulate your brain to learn what you don’t.

6. Celebrate your successes and approach your challenges – Work hard to be successful in your challenges. Once a success, no longer a challenge!

7. Just be yourself. Do what makes you happy, and learn to enjoy the everyday wonders life brings into your life. Life is truly a beautiful thing. Value it for as long as you can.

A person will always remember the little things! “Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” – Robert Brault

KL =)

I like you. A lot! I just don’t really think you see how much I do. It kind of bothers me, but I know it shouldn’t. Hmm.. Well what to do? That’s a very good question it seems.. I don’t have the answer, but I’m sure I’ll find it somewhere..

It’s a ridiculous feeling actually. I care about you, adore you, and just I don’t know.. Like you! You just make it so easy.. I almost get jealous, saddened even – which in my opinion is just weird.. I know you know this, but I don’t think you understand fully the extent.. It’s really nothing to worry, or freak out about, I’m sure this feeling will pass.

Seeing you just makes me smile, and I haven’t been able to really smile in a long while. It’s a good feeling by all means, I’m just concerned you’re going to read this wrong and think I’m a freak.. but that’s not the case here at all. It’s a compliment really. I respect you, I trust you. You’ve helped me through a lot and I don’t know how to repay you. You really are a great friend, and I just want to thank you so thanks!!!! It truly means a lot to me! And (cheese moment) you kinda do too Winking smile

KL =)

Schnikes!

Ahh so the day begins with a huge text from a former friend, uncovering the truth from the lies I was being told by the ex. (I hope this makes sense). I’m not a person who seeks revenge on people. although I do believe the sweetest revenge is self inflicted..

Vent sesh:

If you want to lie to me.. go right ahead. Most of the time, I find out the truth whether I want to or not, but It’s when you continue to lie when you have the opportunity to tell the truth. That really upsets me. I trusted you, and backed you up. I believed in you, believed your lies.. and this is how you return the favor? I don’t care what pretty little words you have to say. Your I love you’s, or I’m sorry’s won’t work for me anymore. You’re not truly sorry.. you’re just sorry you got caught in the act. Telling other people you don’t talk to me, or that you’re seeing someone else is beyond the lowest you have ever gone. Who are you trying to prove? Yourself… Do I embarrass you? Am I too ugly for you? Are you using me just to satisfy your sexual needs? If that’s the case why can’t you just tell me. Be a fucking man, and stop playing these games.. I held on to you.. HUGE MSTAKE.. I should have just let you go the first time but no.. I was too involved.. too comfortable. I lied to myself for you.. to be with you. I wanted to be happy, so I pretended to be. Why didn’t you see that? You had every opportunity to change things, to make me truly happy, but I’m just not good enough for you. Well I’m sorry.. For whatever reason you have and why you can’t confront me. I don’t know why you can’t just talk to me and tell me the truth.. I would respect you a hell of a lot more than I do now. Every time trouble lurks around the corner,you bullshit yourself and make up stories.. Or worse you turn the situation around on me. Not cool bro. Not cool. I’m done with your house rules and controlling manner.. You can’t boss me around and treat me like you do. Ahh, this is where you turn it around on me, and say you let me.. Well, true I do.. or did. I played your games long enough. But I see right through you now. Please, all I’m asking is for the truth. You know that I know.. And you know I caught you.. Why are you still hiding it from me? What are you afraid of? More so, what are you ashamed of? Please just do right for once.. Stop kidding yourself. You are liar, and a damn good one.

Well do I just feel better… Although, I repeatedly come back to the thought of telling him my frustrations, me and my over thinking and over analyzing every situation self chooses to let it go and vent to someone else… But recently, I think talking to him may be better. It won’t give him the satisfaction of winning. Maybe have an ounce of guilt on himself.. Ahh who am I kidding. I doubt he’ll feel guilty at all. I’m not mad, no.. Just taken back at how I could put so much time and love into something and get smothered by it. It’s definitely an interesting feeling pain, but I do feel better and more open to the world now. I guess you could say I’m mad at myself. But I’m seeking forgiveness. You can’t change people. They may say they will change just to get you back.. but they won’t. And I’m okay with that. I’ve accepted that and it’s time to move forward.

Side note: You are a great person.. Just not the one for me. The sweetest revenge is self inflicted.. And when you meet that girl, I hope you treat her like I treated you.. and she treats you, like you did me.. Then will you finally realize.. Then I will forgive you. Til then!

 

KL =)

Introduction to the blog world..

Oh hey!!

So if you haven’t already, check out my about me. It should give you a taste of who I am, who I want to become.. My goals, ambitions.. la di da. I’ll try to post daily. Different day, different adventure. I’ll post pictures, quotes, songs anything and everything.

Warning: The content of this nature is rated MA, for mature audiences. If you’re under eighteen and are just looking around, I appreciate you reading, but this may not be the blog for you. Most posts, if not all, will have explicit content.. IE: foul language. Reader’s discretion advised. You have been warned! =)

And here we go!!
I just recently got out of a relationship.. It was well overdue. Honestly, just the best breath of fresh air I can inhale. It was bad timing, bad circumstances, just the whole nine yards. Now don’t get me wrong, the guy is wonderful. Just not for me; but he will be for someone else, and that makes me truly happy! We both have tried mending each others broken hearts at seperate times, but once all the pieces of the puzzle are together, and the moment you take it apart and put it in in the box, the puzzle is just not as exciting the second time around. And that’s what we got sucked into.

Our relationship was never the greatest.. We never officially got back together after the first break up, but continued to see each other, and kept things swinging (if ya know what I mean). That should have never happened in the first place. I wasn’t happy with him. I don’t think he was happy with me. I felt pressured to be with him because I knew he was there, and he was comfortable.. Please ladies, and gents, NEVER EVER settle for anthing less than you deserve. It’s not worth yours or their time. If you deserve more, and your FRIENDS tell you, you deserve more.. Please listen to them. They’re your friends for a reason, and they can see your true emotions, even when you, yourself cannot. I will admit I was 100% wrong. I was seeking advice and refusing to do anything about it, until the frustrations captivated me and my friends, to a point where a great friend of mine didn’t want to talk to me. Reason why.. I was lying to myself. All talk and no play. I was choosing to be unhappy and uncomfortable in a relationship because that’s what I had known for so long. Take it froma girl who just struggled through it.. If you have to lie to yourself about the realtionship you’re currently in, because you think it’s going to get better, but you know in your heart it won’t. It’s really not the best idea to keep hanging on. Both of you have other opportunities to be happy.

So in conclusion.. There are plenty of other people out there. No need to rush, just live your life. What happens, happens and that’s how I choose to live. “Sometimes you just gotta let shit go and say to ‘hell with it’ and move on”. – Eminem

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